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 Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort
I have thought up nearly all of these myself (with a few exceptions thought up by Haley, Rose & Inty)


Politely exclaim now & again that 'you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbledore'


Get him to play 'Twister' with you


Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it & it dies


Steal, snap & bury his wand.....swear Lucius Malfoy did it


Write him a theme song, sing it with great gusto whenever he is about to do something particularly clever or nasty


Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'


Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts & contact details


Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back & say 'Eeeexcelllent'




'Imperius the Deatheaters often to burst into song (the hills are alive w/ the sound of music for example)


Step on the back of his shoe constantly


Transfigure Nagini into a poodle when he's talking to her


Scatter rose petals in front of him wherever he goes


Look terrified & run from the room whenever he picks up his spoon at mealtimes


Everytime you catch his eye, wink & pout


pull a Doctor Evil on him & say 'Shh' everytime he tries to speak


Tell him, that Dumbledore is more evil than he, offer much proof


Never be intimidated by him, treat him as you would a mad, slightly senile uncle


Insist on walking in front of him all the time to "Make sure its safe"


Turn things like his wand, robes, favourite chair etc into portkeys that take him directly to Disneyland, Madam Puddyfoots Tea Shop etc


Do this at least twice a week





Begin every question with 'Riddle me this'...LOTS of emphasis on the Riddle bit


Chisel a Lightning bolt scar on his head while he's asleep


Sign him up for the 'How to get along with Muggles' newsletter


Borrow Dean Thomas's 'Potter for President' banner, glue it to the back of his robes with a permenant sticking charm


If you ever need to say 'like taking candy from a baby' be sure to add "Of course SOME of us might find that harder than others!" stare at him pointedly


Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'


Roll your eyes during plotting sessions & say things like 'You're the boss' or 'it's your funeral'


Anytime he enters the room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly


Show up drunk to Deatheater meetings


Swap all his robes for Darth Vader costumes


Hire some thugs. Have them beat up any Deatheaters who say anything against Voldie's good name...or who look like they may have been thinking it


Insult him in Pig Latin




Steal his wand & look scandalised when he finds it in Lucius Malfoy's robes


Follow him at a distance, make it annoyingly obvious


Walk around carrying the back of his robes like a train on a bridal gown


Get your hand wet, then stand behind him and pretend to sneeze, flicking water on the back of his neck


Get him drunk on Tequila, get him singing Karaoke, video it, send copies of the tape to the Daily Prophet & the Quibbler


Buy him one of those cute hair bands for babies whose hair hasn't grown in yet, make sure it's got cute little pearls and roses on it


Cut Nagini into strips w/ McNairs axe, leave the axe & the scene comfort a distraught Voldie, all the while telling him about the Buckbeak situation

Imperius him to sing & dance 'all that jazz' & portkey him to the Hogwarts Halloween feast "as the entertainment"


Create childish fingerpuppets of him & Harry then loudly recreate all his defeats in annoyingly squeaky voices


Send him Valentines on Feb 14th from 'Harry xxx'




Send him Valentines in August


Buy him a stress ball & offer to give him a massage


Boast loudly to the other Deatheaters that you 'taught him everything he knows' when he's standing right behind you


Subscribe him to 'Witch Weekly'


Tweek his nose often shouting 'got yeh nose'


Appirate in and out the room constantly...do this for an hour


Hit him with the 'twichy ears' jinx when he's addressing the deatheaters with an evil plan


Send a letter to Hagrid from him organising a high school reunion


Paint the Deatheater masks with pink glitter


Stare at him in openmouthed awe, never look away




Drug him then book him in for cosmetic surgery, give the surgeons a picture of Lockheart


Enchant a stereo to follow him everywhere playing the 'Wicked witch of the West theme' very loudly


Looked horrified when you find out he can't play cricket & tell him (in a Prof.Trelawney trancelike voice) that he's got no hope of ruling supreme unless he learns


Go through the courts, have his name legally changed to 'Lord Tinkerbell'


Mock him about his second name..."Marvolo...whats that? A soap powder?"


Buy yourself a Lockheart style pair of dandy leather gloves, slap him round the face constantly with them, challenging him to duels


Put him on a anger management program


Throw a tupperware party, insist he sit through it


Work cute phrases like 'smooth-as-a-babies-bottom' into conversation with him


Point out and question loudly why there appears to be a lipstick mark on the hem of his robes after all the deatheaters have just kissed it





Portkey him to the top of the tallest Xmas tree in the great hall @ Hogwarts during the Xmas Feast...don't forget to put him in a tutu first


Send letters to all the Muggle-Borns @ Hogwarts from Voldie apologising for his undeserved and frankly quite nasty attitude to their kind.


Ask him if you can have your dark mark removed by laser...or at least replaced by something more 'socially acceptable'


Draw outlandish comparisons between him & Darth Vader, leave it hanging with the revelation that he's Lukes father...stare at him then ask who Harry's father REALLY is. Don't let him leave the room till he confesses


Leave disgusting rotting things in his bed, insist there 'aromatherapy'


Prod him in the nose at least twice a day & fix him with a frown saying 'did you know you look like a snake?'


Buy him a Dumbledore style wig, beard, halfmoon glasses etc...insist he wears it during meetings to 'boost morale'


Remind him that he really isn't alive, therefore cannot become immortal


Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger


Find out the passwords to his private chambers at Voldie HQ. Change them all to 'I'm a halfblood' & 'i love Muggles'


Cuddle him @ random moments


About once a week, burst in during a meeting (in the style of Quirrel at the Halloween feast) exclaiming loudly that the Ministry know there wherabouts and 100's of Auror's are on their way...as they all jump to their feet add, 'just testing'


Tell him that 'no good can come of trying to kill young innocent boys'




Send rude messages & threats to the giants, sign it all from him.


Order Bellatrix, Lucius etc to shave off their hair because 'Voldie is jealous of their long flowing locks' when they do this tell Voldemort that they are mocking the fact he's bald


Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic "My sir, you look particularly menacing today"


When he's speaking Parseltounge to Nagini, loudly make hissing noises to override him, imperius the other Deatheaters to join in.


Send signed pictures of him to Harry, Dumbles etc etc.


Spend hours trying to convince him to see a therapist


Tell him 'I don't know what Lucius is talking about sir, i don't think you look like a corpse in a dress'


Go back to his childhood home in Little Hangelton, fish out naked baby pictures of him...send them to the Daily Prophet


When his plans are foiled yet again. Sing 'always look on the bright side of life' in a hearty booming voice. Clapping him on the back hard during the chorus


Exclaim exitedly that you've had a meeting with Cornelius Fudge who has offered him a job in 'muggle relations' if he gives up the whole 'dark lord' charade





Call him Tommy-boy


Or if your feeling brave 'Voldie-poo'


If he's having evil-plotters-block in one of his scheming sessions 'wingardium leviosa' a light bulb above his head. turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry & say 'you thought you were helping'


Tell him he looked better underneath Quirrels turban


When he glares at you. Glare back, if he blinks or looks away, jump up shouting "I WON!"


Call him names such a 'Pete', 'Dave' or 'Joe' look politely quizzical when he corrects you & say 'Oh, forgive me...i meant My Lord...Tom'


Ask him that if he's so famous, how come there isn't a Chocolate Frog card for him.


Forget to turn off your mobile phone during deatheater meetings so it rings constantly interrupting the plotting w/ the Harry Potter theme tune


Accio his shoes off him during a nasty speech


Ask him for his autograph


Ask really stupid questions like 'what house were you in at Hogwarts?' look politely confused when he glowers at you & say 'ohh, it was Hufflepuff wasn't it?...don't worry i wont tell anyone'


Imperio Nagini to bite him constantly. When he gets angry, match his anger & shout 'i was only trying to help, i thought you needed snake venom!!'




Glue a tiara to his head w/ a permenant sticking charm


Exclaim loudly that you've known chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than he.


Suggest that he kill Harry Potter. Pretend it was your idea in the first place


Shower him w/ confetti & rice when he enters the room


Obtain one of Tom Riddle Sr hairs, brew polyjuice potion, drink it. Burst through his door with an axe shouting "Heeeres Daddy!"


Imperius him to finish every sentence with the word 'penguin' or 'wibble' question his sanity to the other Deatheaters


After another long plotting session, yawn loudly & tell him "why bother with all this again my Lord? You KNOW your gonna lose"


Suggest they all go on Jerry Springer when he looks angry add (in a bright hopeful voice) "i'll promise to protect you if the Potter boy tries to hit you with a chair!"





Ask him "Seeing as your bald, do you have square toes?" when he says no answer "Well, the Grand High Witch is better than yooou" (in a very childish voice)


Slap him on the head every few minutes shouting 'mosquito!'


Read him 'the Ugly Duckling' shooting him sympathetic looks every few minutes


Applaud loudly everytime he tells someone off


Follow him everywhere whining loudly about your own personal problems


Hint that all the Deatheaters are spys for Dumbledore & the Dementors are the only ones he can trust


Hint all the Dementors are still loyal to Fudge so the only one he can trust is Rita Skeeter


Say nothing furthur...see what happens


Buy him a Kinder Egg & insist it's that prophecy he was looking for


Buy him a blender & take charge of blending everything of his you can get your hands on


Put loads of protection charms around an old banana skin you found, when he asks what your doing scowl at him & say 'i'm protecting one of your horcruxes! what does it look like im doing?!!'